HUSBAND AND WIFE ROLES AND WHY FAMILIES ARE IN CONFLICT

Today many families have suffered conflicts in the past and in recent times. Will many still experience conflicts in the future? Only time will tell. It is important to understand the key words of the heading of this message, to enable us have a deep understanding. The key words here are 'Family' and 'Conflict'.

Family:  The Family is a group of people who live together or one that is similar to one that is related by blood, marriage, law or customs, which is made up of father, mother with a son or daughter or both.

Conflict:  It means a clash, disagreement or violence between two opposing groups. It also means incompatibility. 

Looking at the definition of the two key words, we can say that family conflict means a clash, disagreement or violence that occurs in a  family setting. Family conflict can occur between husband (father) and wife (mother) or between any of the parent and the child(ren).

However, it is important for us to know that we need Jesus at the top to enable us experience smooth running of our families without conflict. We need 'Him' to have a amazing family experience. Jesus said in John 15:5 ......“I am the vine, and you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will bear much fruit; for you can do nothing without me". If we do not acknowledge the place of Jesus in our families, we are most likely to experience family conflict. As Jesus said "cut of from me you can do nothing". A wonderful family experience is one of those things we can achieve with Jesus, but without 'Him', surely we just can't. 

We cannot afford to forget in a hurry, that God is the initiator of the family structure. As 'He' said in Gen 1:28 "have many children, so that your decendants will live all over the earth". If we study the diagram below, showing the 'natural order of the family', and compare it with the understanding concieved by majority of people in our generation today, you will realize why most families are currently experiencing conflicts. It is unfortunate that many parents are yet to understand and live with the conciousness that Jesus is the head of the family and without 'Him', no family can stand firm. 

God established family structure through marriage. The scripture says in Ephesians 5:31... “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one". It is important to note the scriptures captured the roles both husband and wife are to play in the family. But unfortunately, some husbands and wives in our generation have disobeyed what the scripture said, by not playing the family roles assigned to them. Rather, they have created new roles for themselves. This has been one of the root causes of most conflicts in the family.

Husbands (Fathers) have scriptural given roles, expected of them to play in their families. The husband (father) is the spiritual head of the family. He is expected to lead his family to Christ. When a husband fails to accept this role and decides not to play it, this may spring up conflict in the family, especially when the wife calls his attention to his undersirable attitude towards being the spiritual leader of the family. 

Another scripturally prescribed role for husbands is the role of 'providing for the family'. The scriptures revealed about anyone who cannot provide for his or her own household in 1 Timothy 5: 8 ..."But if anyone does not take care of his relatives, especially the members of his own family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. In the context of our discussion 'husbands' are among the 'anyone' the scriptures is talking about. But unfortunately, some husbands have wholly shifted the responsibility of providing for their families to their wives. It is inappropriate for a husband to completely shift the role of providing for the family to his wife. This act is unchristian. However, in a situation were a husband intentionally and completely shifts the role of providing for his family to his wife, then chances are high that it will result to family conflict, when the wife starts expressing her displeasure.

In another development, husbands are scripturally given the role of loving their wives, just like Christ loved the church as revealed in Eph 5:25 ......."Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it". Some husbands no longer love their wives, thereby disobeying this scriptural instruction. It is unfortunate that some husbands belong to secret societies where they partake in convenants that restricts them from loving their wives and are only allowed to love another man's wife or a mistress. Surely such will spring up family conflict, when the wife (woman) starts feeling starved of love.

On the other hand, wives equally have their own scriptural roles in the family. The book of Gen 2:18 revealed that God gave the wife role to help her husband..."Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him". This simply means that God expects wives to step in to assist their husbands in areas they could not fix. God knew a man (husband) will surely need help, thus the reason why 'He' created a woman (wife) and made her a suitable companion (helper) for the man (husband). Unfortunately, some wives have intentionally decided not to accept the God given role of being help mate to their husbands. The common ideology of today's wives is that their husbands should take their eyes off the salary they earn in their work places, because they are women. This is a wrong and strange ideology shared by quite a number of wives in our generation. It is an act of obedience towards God, for a wife who is financially capable of helping her husband, to intentionally pull out from such God given role. This help equally extends towards a wife cooperating with his husband in planning and reaching an agreement how to spend family money. When a wife refuses to cooperate with her husband to manage family finances, conflict may possibly spring up.

The scriptures also revealed a role expected of a wife. This role is that of being submissive to the husband. In contemporary times, this role has been very difficult for some wives to play, as some find it difficult to be submissive to their husbands. The scriptures revealed in 1Pet 3:1 saying....."in the same way you wives must submit to your husbands". Similarly, the scriptures said in Ephesians 5:22-23....."Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband has authority over his wife just as Christ has authority over the church; and Christ is himself the Saviour of the church, his body". It is important to know that this part of the scripture does not give husbands the right to turn their wives to a slave. However, acting contrary to this scriptural instruction is an act of disobidience on the side of the wives, although not all wives are involved in this act of disobedient. It is sad to reveal that some wives are members of secret societies were married women (wiives) are tutored on how to be a Lord over their husbands and why their husbands should be submissive to them. These wives who happen to join these secret societies are made to believe all kinds of unscriptural teachings. In some cases, they take oath and enter into evil convenants with fellow members and reaching an agreement that they will never obey the scriptures by submitting to their husbands. One of the consequences of not keeping such convenant in their homes is 'DEATH'. Thus the reason why most wives do not obey, agree or cooperate with their husbands, because if they do, they will die, based on the oath they took with the members of the secret society they belong to. Some wives (mothers) in many families are memebers of secret socities were they are  told how to treat their husbands at home. This issue has caused conflicts in many homes. As most husbands (fathers) are not aware that their wives belong to a cult and are under oath not to be submissive or play their God given roles as a wife in the family. Chances are high that such a family will experience conflicts.

Another role expected from wives, is the role of 'raising godly children'. Wives (mothers) are indeed closer to their children than their husbands. The breastfeeding role allocated to the wife (mothers) by God, gives the wife more opportunity to bond with the kids. It is expected that the wife should take the advantage of being closer to the kids than the husband, to teach the kids, the ways of the Lord. When a wife fails to raise a child in a godly way, chances are very high that this child may tommrrow be an agent of conflict in the family, since no godly knowledge was made known to him or her by his or her closest teacher (i.e. the mother). This child can rise up in the future to be a problem to the family. The scripture says in Proverb 22:6 ...."teach children how they should live, and they will remember it all their lives".  In addition husbands (fathers) are equally expected to be part of this role of raising godly children. This will compliment the effort of the wife who is already doing a great job by teaching the kids good morals. When a wife (mother) refuses to take advantage of being closer to her children, to bring them up in the way of the Lord, conflict may arise in the family when they grow up.

If you study the diagram below used in describing the place of Jesus in the family, alongside scriptural given roles allocated to husbands and wife, you will realize that one of the root causes of family conflict is the fact that some husbands and wives have intentionally or unintentionally refused to play their God given roles in their various families.

However, there is no reason that can justify why husbands (fathers) or wives (mothers) abandon the family roles God expects from them. Beloved, surely on the last day, no husband or wife will have any excuse for not obeying these God given roles in our various families. 

Let us ask God to release his power upon us, to enable us obey him, by consistently playing our roles as husbands and wives. Amen

Written and Published By:

 BRO. ALIGWEKWE NNAMDI